The King Of Hotel Lobby Incidents
by Red Witch
Summary: A trip down memory lane at some of the many, many disasters in hotels Archer has caused.


**The disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters got wrecked in Archer's Dreamland. Now we all know that most of Season 8 takes place inside Archer's mind. Ergo part of this season is his own imagination but you know the rest is based on events that have actually happened to him.**

 **After watching Bernice, I realized that Archer has had a lot of hotel incidents. Which explains that one scene in the hotel lobby. After all, Archer is…**

 **The King of Hotel Lobby Incidents **

"What fresh hell is **this?"** Mallory screamed.

To say the Figgis Agency was a mess was an understatement. There were papers and broken bottles all over the place. A small tuft of brown hair was on the floor. A chair had been ripped open and the stuffing was strewn all over the place. Fire extinguishing foam was covering several pieces of furniture and the floor. Another piece of furniture was charred. And there was a small fire in a wastebasket that Cyril was currently putting out with a fire extinguisher.

"Well…" Cyril sighed. "We had a little incident."

"Cheryl's fault," Ray pointed at Cheryl.

"I gathered that from the **fires!** " Mallory glared at Cheryl.

"What? Who do I look like?" Cheryl snapped. "Jo Giradelli? Actually, tell me I do. I wish I was her. She was awesome. Kind of my personal hero."

"No surprises there," Krieger nodded.

"So what happened **this time**?" Mallory snapped.

"Well we finally got a client," Cyril said. "But when she entered the office she recognized Cheryl from high school and…"

"Got it," Mallory interrupted.

"I didn't tell you what happened," Cyril frowned.

"Don't have to," Mallory snapped. "I can deduce what happened."

"With your little grey cells," Cheryl added. "In your old withered grey head."

Mallory rolled her eyes. "When Carol and our client saw each other they remembered how much of a bitch they were to the other. They got into a fight after insulting each other. Carol causing the most destruction. Our client left with some sort of injury as well as any chance to make any money."

"Well Cheryl did give her a black eye and burned her purse," Pam remarked. "Gotta give it to you Ms. A."

"I wish I could give you all enough pain…" Mallory growled. "Preferably a one-way trip to Hell with a case of the clap!"

"Tease!" Cheryl scoffed.

"This reminds me of the fiasco in that hotel in Berlin," Mallory groaned. "God what a nightmare."

"I don't remember **that one** ," Ray said.

"Neither do I," Cyril said.

"You were on that honeypot mission in Switzerland," Lana pointed to Ray. "And Cyril, this was way before we let you out of the office."

"And before we let **this one** into the office," Pam pointed at Cheryl. "But I remember reading the insurance files and damage claims. Whoo…"

"I wasn't there either," Krieger said.

" **None** of you were there," Mallory snapped. "Even Lana who was on another mission the time."

"That's right," Lana realized. "That was when Jack Hunter was still working at the agency."

"And he was Sterling's partner for a very brief time," Mallory groaned.

"Phrasing, boom!" Cheryl whooped.

"Shut up or what passes for your brains go boom!" Mallory snapped.

"Tease!" Cheryl stuck her tongue out.

"So what happened?" Lana asked. "I never heard the whole story. Just that Archer screwed up another mission and got banned from some hotel in Germany."

"The Adlon Kempinski," Mallory groaned. "Where to this day we're banned from. It all started when I gave Sterling and Hunter a very simple assignment…"

FLASHBACK!

"It's not that simple!" Archer barked to his mother in her old ISIS office. "I'd hardly call stealing a microfilm from the penthouse suite of some old German Nazi simple!"

"First of all," Mallory glared as her son from behind her desk. "Frederick Von Vernstop was **never** a Nazi! He defected to the Allies before he was conscripted!"

"I don't care if he's Freddy Von Trapp!" Archer snapped. "If he's on our side why do we have to steal the microfilm from him?"

"Because shortly after the war," Jack Hunter, an agent that looked like the actor Scott Foley spoke up. "Von Vernstop discovered the joys of capitalism and became freelance agent."

"Goody for you Nancy Drew," Archer sneered.

"Shut up and listen!" Mallory snapped. "I will personally provide a distraction at the Adlon Kempinski. We have plans to go out to dinner and possibly…Well let's just say my room is available."

"Oh, for God's sake Mother!" Archer snapped. "Don't tell me this is an excuse for you to comp some fancy suite time and get a date!"

"No! Those just happen to be the perks," Mallory told him. "The same perks **you** enjoy on my dime on a regular basis!"

"I work hard for those perks!" Archer snapped.

"It's not work if you're lying on your **back**!" Mallory snapped.

"I'm not **always** on my back!" Archer snapped. "Sometimes I'm on top. Sometimes I'm **standing up!** There was that one time on that trapeze…"

"Can we get back to the mission at hand please?" Hunter interrupted. "Now what's on this microfilm that's so important?"

"It's highly classified material," Mallory said. "That's all you're authorized to know."

"It's not a sex tape, is it?" Archer shuddered.

"NO!" Mallory snapped. "It's a microfilm containing classified information! Very important classified information! Which we need to get before Von Vernstop sells to ODIN!"

"Hang on," Hunter spoke up. "Isn't ODIN on the same side we are national security wise?"

"Yes, but getting this microfilm before ODIN will be a feather in our cap," Mallory snapped. "As well as rubbing it in Len Trexler's smug little fat face!"

"So this is more about showing up ODIN than national security?" Hunter asked incredulously.

"It **is** about national security!" Mallory snapped. "Beating Trexler is just the cherry on top."

"I can't believe you dated that douchebag," Archer groaned. "This is one of your stupid revenge missions isn't it?"

"What?" Hunter gasped.

"Sterling!" Mallory barked.

"She and Trexler have been…Uggggh!" Archer shuddered violently. "For **years**! And she can't let go of it!"

"I let go of that asshole a long time ago!" Mallory snapped. "He's the one that can't quit **me**! Why else would he steal my best agents?"

"He hasn't made me an offer," Archer said.

"Imagine **that,** " Hunter rolled his eyes.

"Just get me that microfilm!" Mallory snapped. "And then we'll see who has the last laugh!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Unfortunately, it turned out to be Trexler," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink. "Thanks to Sterling and that damn scene he created right in the lobby!"

"Was it another shootout in the lobby?" Cyril asked. "Like the one in Ontario? Or Portugal?"

"Or London?" Krieger suggested.

"No, there was no gun violence in this particular incident," Mallory waved. "Other kinds of violence however…"

FLASHBACK!

"Because I am the agent in command!" Archer barked to Hunter. He was wearing a tuxedo with a mustache. "That's why! This is what agents in command look like!"

"You look like a porn star pretending to be…" Hunter remarked. He was dressed like a bellhop. "What exactly are you again?"

"A concierge!" Archer snapped. "I am a concierge!"

"Maybe a concierge in a porn movie," Hunter said.

"Hey! I still outrank you bellhop!" Archer barked.

"For the ninth time," Hunter gritted his teeth. "I dressed like this so I could get the room key. And keep your voice down."

"OH YOU WANT ME TO KEEP MY VOICE DOWN?" Archer shouted in the hallway of the hotel.

"Yes!" Hunter hissed. "We're trying to be inconspicuous so we can steal the microfilm."

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Archer shouted. "YOU ARE NOT THE AGENT IN COMMAND! I AM THE AGENT IN COMMAND!"

"Stop **saying** that!" Hunter snarled. "Again, this is a _secret mission_!"

"Which my mother put **me** in charge of!" Archer barked as they stood outside the hotel room. He then noticed people looking out of the hotel rooms. "AND WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE LOOKING AT?"

"The drunken idiot screaming his damn lungs out!" Hunter groaned. "Just shut up and let me get into the room."

"Fine! But only because I am **commanding** you to!" Archer snapped. "AND EVERYBODY GO BACK TO JERKING OFF IN YOUR ROOMS! SERIOUSLY! GET A LIFE!"

"I'm starting to think Lucas Troy was smart," Hunter grumbled as they entered the suite. "And had the right idea about quitting this joke of an agency as soon as he graduated!"

"Hey don't badmouth Luke the Spook!" Archer snapped. "He was the only other agent around here that was halfway decent. He was the perfect partner."

"That's because he was gay and secretly had the hots for you!" Hunter snapped. "Spoiler alert, not **that** big of a secret."

"Shut up!" Archer barked. "Now find the safe."

"It's over here behind this painting," Hunter said exasperated. "You would know that if you read the mission dossier like you were supposed to."

"Not gonna happen," Archer said as Hunter moved the painting.

"Do you have the safecracking kit?" Hunter asked.

"Don't need it," Archer took out something that looked like gum. "Krieger gave me one of these babies."

"What is that?" Hunter asked.

"Some kind of mini explosive," Archer stuck the object onto the safe door. "Krieger said all you have to do is use your spy phone for the right frequency."

"Wait a minute…" Hunter did a double take. "Hang on…"

"Now what was that frequency again?" Archer thought as he took out a large cell phone. "I know I programmed it into my phone."

"Hang on!" Hunter was getting worried. "How powerful is this explosive?"

"It's fine," Archer waved. "Hang on…" He pressed a button.

" _Highway to…"_ The phone played. _"The Danger Zoooooooooooooooone!"_

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oh yeah that's **discreet,"** Hunter glared at Archer. They were both covered in soot. Soot was also all through the room. And the safe door was blown wide open.

"No one will notice **that!** " Hunter snapped. "Or figure out that someone else had **ever** been **in here**!"

"Shut up!" Archer snapped. "Now help me get this corpse through the lobby."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Hang on," Pam spoke up. " **What** corpse? Nobody **died** in Berlin!"

"Oh that's right," Mallory realized. "I was thinking of that **other mission** earlier in Sterling's career. The one with the cross-dressing diplomat who died in that hotel in Washington DC."

"Yeah and you had Archer to try to and get him out without any scandal happening," Pam said.

"How did you know that if you **weren't there**?" Cyril asked.

"Uh this new thing called personnel forms?" Pam asked. "Whenever somebody gets injured they have to file a claim and the reason they got injured? Plus part of it made the papers so the secret mission wasn't exactly that secret!"

"Oh," Cyril said.

"And also…" Pam admitted. "I used to break into the office files and read about the missions secretly. Well…It was back before I was able to pay for cable! And I needed something entertaining to read while dropping a deuce…"

"Stop!" Cyril winced.

"TMI woman!" Ray snapped. "TMI!"

"The incident with the dead cross dressing diplomat didn't go well either," Pam explained. "That was **another** lobby incident. In Washington DC."

"Wait…" Ray realized. "Was that the one where…?"

FLASHBACK!

A group of school children were screaming and crying in horror as they stood in a fancy hotel lobby. A nun gasped in horror. And another nun had a furious look on her face.

Archer had his arms around a man's corpse that was already turning blue with rigor mortis freezing his face in a grotesque pose. He was wearing a green dress and a wig that didn't fit right. And neither did the dress. Since the front of it was stuck in a belt exposing the man's nude body below the waist.

"Okay kids fact of life," Archer rolled his eyes. "Sometimes men like to dress up as women. It happens. Get over it."

FLASHFORWARD!

"That scandal really did **not** help our reputation," Mallory groaned.

"That scandal almost got Archer arrested for necrophilia," Lana said. "As well as almost getting him registered on a sex offender list."

"Those cops could have afforded two new police stations for what I bribed them," Mallory groaned.

"What were a bunch of kids doing in a fancy hotel anyway?" Ray asked.

"School field trip to see the city," Mallory waved. "The money I paid for that school to not press any charges must still keep those nuns in rosary beads to this day!"

"Back to Berlin…" Lana suggested.

"Oh right," Mallory nodded. "Well as you can imagine Sterling had problems with the plan. Apparently he and Hunter had…creative differences."

FLASHBACK!

POW!

Archer punched the soot covered Hunter out of the elevator as it opened up into the lobby. Hunter fell on his back out of the elevator.

FLASHFORWARD!

"He started a fight with Hunter in the **lobby?** " Ray was stunned.

"Not just Hunter…" Mallory sighed. "There was one tiny little incident before that..."

FLASHBACK!

"How the hell did you pass spy training? You're lucky that the microfilm wasn't damaged in the blast!" Hunter snarled as he and Archer were standing in front of an elevator. "Now we need to get out of here before security arrives!"

"We are! Duh!" Archer rolled his eyes. "That's why we're waiting for the…?"

DING!

"WHAT THE HELL?" Archer shouted as he discovered his mother and Von Vernstop kissing in the elevator. "MOTHER!"

"Sterling!" Mallory gasped.

"Mother!" Archer gasped.

"Mallory?" Von Vernstop asked, he was a slightly chubby man with a white beard and a full head of white hair wearing a tuxedo.

"Von Vernstop…" Archer growled.

"What the hell happened to **you?** " Mallory asked. "You look like rejects from a minstrel show."

"GET OFF MY MOTHER YOU FAT GERMAN SAUSAGE!" Archer roared as he tackled Von Vernstop.

"Archer no!" Hunter shouted as he tried to get Archer off Von Vernstop.

Mallory was pushed out of the elevator in the tussle and during the fight Archer accidentally pushed the button to go down with his elbow.

"Sterling!" Mallory shouted as the doors closed.

DING!

"Oh for Christ's sake," Mallory fumed. "Now I'm going to have to wait for the next elevator going down!"

DING!

The elevator opened to the hotel lobby. Hunter was punched out first into the lobby. Followed by Archer tumbling out with Von Vernstop.

FLASHFORWARD!

"That would do it," Ray nodded.

"So, it was more like the Swindon Hotel AKA the Double Indecency incident?" Cyril groaned.

"Exactly. As you can imagine…" Mallory sighed. "Sterling created quite a scene as he fought both Hunter and Von Vernstop. And then hotel security…Which led to…"

FLASHBACK!

The elevator door opened again, revealing Mallory. "Oh for the love of…" Mallory fumed at the sight. "STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!"

To say the lobby was a mess was an understatement.

There was soot, broken furniture and broken glass everywhere. Hunter was passed out cold on the floor. So were two security guards. Some people were running away in fear. A large woman's dress was torn in the front revealing her bra underneath.

A fat child was crying in the middle of the room. His balloon was broken.

Somehow a dessert tray was in the middle of the lobby. It had been overturned and its pastries had been thrown everywhere. Including a few people's faces.

"HEY VERN!" Archer was on top of Von Vernstop and shoving some pastries into his mouth. "EAT PASTRY! NOT MY MOTHER'S…Phrasing…YOU KNOW WHAT!"

"STERLING STOP!" Mallory shouted. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"What the hell are **you** doing?" Archer shot off Von Vernstop and stormed over to her. "You were supposed to keep this fat slob busy while we stole the microfilm from his safe."

"Oh for the love of Christ!" Mallory shouted. "Why not shout it from the top of your lungs why don't you?"

"That's what I said," Hunter groaned as he regained consciousness.

"And what do you think I was doing the whole time?" Mallory shouted.

"Or who you were trying **to do** this whole time," Len Trexler arrived with some of his ODIN men.

"Trexler…" Mallory growled.

"Hello Mallory," Trexler said smugly. "You're looking ravishing as usual. Is that a new gown?"

"Oh this old thing?" Mallory twittered. "I've had it for years."

"Really?" Trexler said in surprise.

" _Really?"_ Archer gave his mother a look. "MOTHER!"

"Oh right," Mallory realized. "What are you doing here Trexler? As if I didn't know!"

"It's pretty obvious what you're doing here," Trexler looked around. "Your son doing **sterling** work as usual."

"I really should think about changing my career," Hunter grumbled as he got up. "This is just **not** going to work."

"You can always come to work at ODIN," Trexler offered.

"Over his dead body!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling did you get the microfilm or not?"

"Yes, Mother I **got** it!" Archer snapped. He felt around his pockets. "Well I **had** it…"

"You mean this microfilm over here?" A very familiar ODIN agent in a green turtleneck picked it up. "You must have dropped it."

"Thank you, Barry," Trexler grinned as Barry gave it to him. "You get a promotion."

"WHAT?" Archer shouted. "You're giving that douchebag a promotion for picking up trash?"

"Well I wouldn't call it trash," Von Vernstop coughed up the last of the pastry. "I think your mother did rather well in that art film. The camera is so flattering on her."

"WHAT?" Hunter shouted.

"OH MY GOD IT **IS** A SEX TAPE!" Archer shouted. Then he promptly threw up in the lobby.

"That's going to leave a stain," Trexler winced.

"SHUT UP TREXLER!" Mallory screamed. A man raced by with a fire extinguisher and put out a plant that was on fire.

FLASHFORWARD…

"Hang on," Pam interrupted. "There were no fires in Berlin. I remember that from the insurance forms and the HR forms. And also reading the mission files when you were drunk."

"Oh right," Mallory realized. "Why am I thinking there were fires?"

"I remember why," Lana gave Cheryl a look. "Remember a couple of years ago that Archer asked Flame Brains over here to create a distraction? In the lobby of the Four Seasons?"

FLASHBACK!

There were two fires in the lobby a swank hotel. One in a piano in the center of the room. The other was on some furniture in the corner. Bellhops and hotel workers were trying to put them out. Another small fat boy was crying. And there were several people covered in whipped cream pies.

Mallory and Lana were covered in whipped cream pies and glaring at Archer. Who was also covered in a whipped cream pies. "Okay maybe in retrospect the whipped cream pies were a bad idea?" Archer sighed as he wiped some from his face. "But I didn't tell Carol to start any fires!"

"It wasn't me," Cheryl said innocently. She was holding a gas can in her hands.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Oh right," Mallory realized. "That was a **completely different** hotel lobby incident. And Sterling was only fifty percent to blame on that one. And maybe a tiny bit on me for bringing Carol along."

"Why did you bring her in the first place?" Pam asked.

"Because it was shortly after she revealed that she was a billionaire heiress!" Mallory snapped. "It was a high society event! I thought she would blend in!"

"She didn't," Lana said. "As evidenced by the insults and the whipped cream pie fight she started."

"I don't know what Sterling was thinking with those…" Mallory groaned. "But you can see why I got that incident confused with Berlin right?"

"Both incidents had whipped cream and crying kids in the lobby," Pam said. "It's easy to confuse the two together."

"Boy there have been a lot of traumatized children over the years," Cyril realized. "And I thought the funerals were bad enough when Archer used to hit on the mothers in front of their dead fathers' coffins."

"What was **that incident** about?" Ray asked. "I am referring to the one with the fires in case you are confused."

"Oh who remembers?" Mallory waved. "I know it had something to do with Sterling, Lana and I trying to get some blackmail information on Trudy Beekman. Spoiler alert, it was a complete waste of time. Beekman is incredibly boring. Any-who…"

"He, he he…" Cheryl giggled. "By the way I lied. Those fires were totally my fault!"

"Yeah just got the memo," Mallory snapped.

"Looking back on that now," Lana sighed. "That was a huge red flag. A huge fire red flag waving about."

"Going back to **Berlin** …" Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "Needless to say, we were officially banned from that hotel. After a very embarrassing encounter with the local police. And Len Trexler got my agency banned from practically any work in Germany after that fiasco!"

"Also, not coincidentally," Lana sighed. "That was also the **last mission** Jack Hunter did with Archer. Two days later he left the agency for another agency. Not ODIN. He said he wanted to make sure he got as far away from us as possible."

"Another red flag we really should have noticed," Ray said to Cyril.

"And the worst part of it all," Mallory seethed. "Never **once** did Sterling say he was sorry!"

Sometime later in Dreamland…

Disaster had struck the Chesley Hotel.

It was like the Three Stooges had decided to throw a demolition derby right in the lobby.

Luggage and broken pieces of furniture were strewn everywhere. As well as several people in humiliating positions lying all over overturned luggage carts and/or furniture.

A fat woman was screaming because the front of her dress had been torn, revealing her bra and panties.

A small boy was crying. People had their faces covered with whipped cream pies. Whipped cream pies were everywhere. Broken champagne bottles were everywhere and several pieces of furniture were on fire.

And Archer stood there witnessing the carnage with a certain crazy heiress and a certain dead body with a strangely appropriate horrified look on her face.

"Sorry," Archer winced in horror at the carnage.


End file.
